A Girl's Diary
by RedKinoko
Summary: My name is Lei Yi and I have a secret I'm going to die.


**A Girl's Diary by Redkinoko  
**  
_I slowly walked into an abandoned log cabin at the west end of the Archer's village. Its occupants have long since abandoned it, judging from the accumulated dust blanketing the floor. The place contained no spirit of life, and the only things giving motion are the dancing motes under the spotlight of the sun's morning rays. At the end of the room was a singular bed, and beside it, a faded-blue drawer. I inspected the top rack and found an object probably belonging to somebody who lived here._

_It was a girl's diary - pink, dusty, and weathered, and seemingly waiting for an audience. I flipped the small lock and opened the journal to find out whose secrets it kept._

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January 18, 2006

Dear Diary,

My name is Lei Yi, 18 years old (and turning 19!), an aspiring archer of a proud line of hunters. I have decided to make you my confidant because I am tired of bearing all these things in my heart and not being able to share it with anybody. Nobody ever listens to me in the way you can. Please have a heart to take the time to hear out what I have to say.

The real reason why I want to keep a diary is because I have a secret that I can never easily tell anybody. It's about who I am. It's about how I don't want to be seen by others. Ever since I've been born - I've always been special. How special you ask? I'll let you in on my secret.

**I'm going to die. **A few months after writing this, I'll be dead.

See, I'm sick diary. Very sick. The local clerics say I won't make it past spring. That's a good three months from now. My body is rotting inside and they say the condition is very rare, making it very hard, if not damn near impossible to treat.

Try that for a teenage problem.

I've come to acceptance as to what's going to happen - but the thought of it in my head and the heavy feeling my heart cannot be wished away as easily. That's why you're here for me now right?

Thanks for listening.

- Lei

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January 19, 2006

Dear Diary,

There's this boy in the neighborhood named Shin Zhang Yu that I want to talk to you about. He's a year older than me but I've known him since we started studying as novices in the Pronteran Academy. He became an acolyte at about the same time I graduated into the path of archery.

Yeap, you probably must have guessed it by now. I like him. He really knows how to cheer me up and he's always there whenever I have any problems. Everytime we used to set out to hunt, he would always take extra care that I go home without a scratch, sometimes to the extent that he gets scolded by others in our group that too much of his attention is given to me.

And you'd think he really likes me too. Well, I guess he does. But only as a friend, or a little sister at best. That's right, diary. For all the irony in the world, I just had to rant about my impossible love between a dying girl and some guy who doesn't even suspect a thing for the girl's feelings.

Look at me, diary. I'm sick and dying, and never the prettiest in school. And if you can only see him. I don't know if there's a perfect person in the world, but if he were to exist, he wouldn't be far off from looking like Shin. I've not yet known a girl who doesn't think of him as a wonderful boyfriend at the back of her head. How do I ever compete? I obviously can't.

This is our secret to keep, okay diary?

Lovelots,   
Lei

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January 21st

Dear Diary,

Why is it that people say life is not fair, diary? I wish you could answer for me. Why is it that they keep on saying such foolishness when it is death that is not fair! Everybody gets a shot at life and it occurs at the same time for everyone - at birth. On the other hand there's death that comes at different times for everybody. Some will live to be a hundred. I on the other hand won't even live past my teens. WHERE IS FAIRNESS THERE?

I was at the park earlier watching Shin and his friends practice for their upcoming Junior Guilds competition. Because I'm no longer as strong as I used to be, I can only sit on a bench and watch them from afar. Whenever they ask me to join them, I decline by feigning some momentary illness. Am I the only one seeing the irony of that? Me pretending to be sick to hide the fact that I'm even sicker!

If it weren't for Shin being there, I wouldn't have even bothered showing up. I wouldn't bother getting out of bed. Now that I think about it, he's probably the only reason I still find living this life appealing.

I'm afraid he's become my very reason for being.

Weeee that's just too romantic already! I think I should go to sleep now before I get carted off by ants for being too sweet.

Lovelots,  
Lei

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January 22nd

You won't believe what happened today, diary! I was walking home from the village doctor when I came across Shin. Our eyes met for a short time and I felt blood rush to my head like a morning fountain! I looked away and waited for him to pass me.

Then, when I turned back to see if he's gone, I saw his face, point blanc and giving me the sweetest smile ever! He asked about why I went to the doctor so I said to him I just wanted to ask about a few things.

He didn't believe me and started nagging me for answers. And I don't know why, maybe it's just the spur of the moment or maybe I'm just tired for pretending I'm well so I kinda just blurted out about my condition.

I saw his face change from trippy to serious. He grabbed my by the shoulders (such powerful yet gentle hands!) and asked me with a cowboy voice if I wanted to hang out with him! HUWAAAAT? I don't know why he would do this though, maybe he just saw my oh-so-sad face and decided I needed sum' cheering up. I dont care why he asked me out, I'm too happy that he did to even think about that!

I can't wait

You must be my lucky charm diary! I love you! Mwah!

Lovelots,   
Lei

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_Some pages have been torn off in this section. Judging from the rips on the sides, they were carefully removed rather than ripped out with force. The entries continue after a few more pages._  
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January 29th

Sorry if I've been skipping out on you diary, it's just that I've been spending so much time lately with Shin that I've almost forgotten to keep track of what's happening.

Yesterday, we went to the Albertan bazaar. Shin was kind enough to buy me the necklace I've always wanted. I wish I could have given him a kiss as a token of thanks but I blushed at the moment and veered away from the idea. I'm not sure he noticed it though. Note to self: Shin is very very dense when it comes to these things.

It's been like that for the past few days, every afternoon he'd drop by my house and take me to somewhere special. I guess he knows that, as my time on earth is limited, that I'd want to see as much of the wonderful things in Midgard as possible.

I'm actually starting to worry about Shin's health. On top of being around me, he has to doubletime with his practices in the Junior Guilds. I kept on joking around that if that continues, he'd be dead faster than me. He takes all these things seriously though.

I wish I could just explain to him that when he's around, it doesn't really matter how long my life will be or what I have or have not seen, as long as he'll be around till the end - it will be a life well lived.

Margaret, a huntress from North sometimes joins us in our hunting trips, but Shin pays all attention to me. Hurray for me!

Thanks for listening diary.

Toodles,  
Lei

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January 31st

HEYA! Guess what day today is.

It's my birthday! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday to ME!

Mom gave me a new dress and dad gifted me with spanking new crystal-heeled pumps to go with it. I think I want to wear these clothes on my wedding day. I have such a nice vision of that event too. Diary, will you be my bridesmaid? Are you a he or a she? Hahahaha. I think you're a she, because no guy can stand all these confessions without getting bored.

Later today, I even had cake with friends! We had such a nice party earlier, I think today is the happiest day of my recent life. The only sad part is that Shin wasn't around to be with me. He had to go to Prontera on errand from the local bishop - what a party pooper. :

Shin gave me an advanced gift though. Margaret gave it to me for him. It was a locket to go with my necklace containing a special opal from the dangerous caves in Payon. It said in the note "for the brave Lei"

Before I blew my candles, I got to say a wish. I didn't tell anybody who asked because I want to keep them thinking. But I think I can tell you. Guess for what I wished?

I wished to live to an old age with my beloved Shin.

Do birthday wishes ever come true? I don't know. One can dream, right?

Hahaha.

Lovelots,  
Lei

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February 8th, 2006

Sorry if I skipped out on you again diary. The reason why I couldn't write to you was because my condition had turned for the worse the past few days. I had to be sent to the general hospital in Central Payon for observation and intensive care. Actually, I can't even remember most of what had happened to me while I was there. For some reason I just felt weak, and sleeping was such a good escape for me. I think I slept the whole time I was there.

I was told Shin and Margaret visited me, but I was asleep during the time that they were there. What a waste of time for them. I'm thankful they tried - Shin tried to visit him. He is such a sweetie!

I feel so ashamed right now because I got everybody worried. But the doctors in the hospital said I should be okay for now. I finally got to return home yesterday and home never felt the same again.

You know that stare of pity that you give to people you feel sorry for? I used to give that a lot too. I've realized now that if you get enough of those, you start feeling that stare like there's weight on your shoulder being added everytime they give it to you.

I got that a lot when I got back from home. And I hate it. I hate everybody for being such pricks. I just want to be normal. CAN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT?

I sometimes wish this were all over with.

Love,  
Lei

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February 10th, 2006

Shin didn't come by again today so I finally decided to ask his friends about him. None of them would say anything about it. They told me they didn't know where he was but I can tell from their faces they're just covering for him - I used to do that for my friends too so I know. I actually found it weird because they've all been supportive of my friendship with Shin. I also found out that Margaret wasn't with them during this afternoon's practice.

I went to his house later and got a message form his father, telling me that he has "something very important to do" and that "I need not worry myself about him". Not feeling contented, I went to Margaret's home since she lives not too far from my place. Her sister Tamara told me that she went out of town with Shin, though they didn't say what they were doing.

Tamara mentioned that when Shin went to her place, he looked really happy. And after talking for a while, they were both smiling and giggling and asked permission to go out of Payon for a while - but not after practicing their battling skills the past few afternoons.

Dear diary, I hope all this is just a dream. I hope what I'm thinking is not happening. My heart is aching all over and thinking about Shin isn't even helping.

I hope you wont leave me too, diary. You're the last thing I want out of my life right now.

- Lei

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February 11th, 2006

Dear Diary,

Maybe Shin's decided to move on? Who would want to fall in love with a dying girl anyway? Margaret is a very beautiful lady and more than anything else, she's got an entire life ahead of her.

The doctor says I'm not doing so well these past few days. I know deep inside that thinking about all these things is causing my health to look a lot frailer than it really is. If only the doctor knew how hard things are for me. But he'd never understand. He has all the time in the world. I'm a wilting flower - in a situation few can ever learn to understand and live to tell about it.

Still for your love,  
Lei

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February 12th, 2006

I've only come to a complete realisation of what will be happening to me in the near future. I will grow very sick and die. And people will mourn me for some time, for how long, I don't know. After which, I will slowly be forgotten. I've never been so scared in my life. Scared, not because I'll die and not be able to do anything anymore, but because I have yet to make my mark in this world - something to be remembered for - somebody to remember that once upon a time there was a girl named Lei Yi who sat by this spot, wrote on this diary, and shared her most intimate secrets with paper.

I'm hurting. It hurts because I know Shin is slipping away from my grasp. It hurts even more because I know that if I want him to stay happy, I'll let him be.

And though I have been aware of this time, only now do I realize that I still want to live - not for any personal reason, but just to avail of everybody's unconditional right to live. If ever me loving Shin was a mistake, it's a mistake I would want to live with, to bear for the rest of my life. I want to suffer the consequences. I want to be able to start again. I want to experience the hangover in the morning after the long night.

**I want to live. **

Thank you for staying with me up to this point, though everybody may abandon me, I know you're with me. You give me hope, diary.

For if not for hope, the heart would have long since collapsed.

- Lorelei

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February 13th, 2006

Dear Diary,

I can't lie to you. I can't lie to myself.

I love Shin.

I don't care anymore of what Shin thinks or feels about me. What's important is that he knows how I feel. I can't live what little remains of my life knowing the man that I love doesn't even know how I feel about him. If he does like Margaret more than me, I won't be around long enough to feel the difference anyway. If he does choose me, well let's just say there's a big stupid grin on my face right now just thinking about it!

Papa says Lei will be returning from his trip tomorrow. Valentine's day! Could it be any more romantic? I think I'll be having a very hard time sleeping now, I'm so excited, I cant wait for tomorrow!

Wish me luck!

Love Lots,  
Lei

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_That was the last entry in the diary. The girl named Lei Yi, 19 years old at that time, died the afternoon of February 14th. Her weakened condition caused her heart to fail in her sleep, as the doctors later found out. Shin arrived in Payon to hear the news only two days after Lei's death, February 16th 2006.   
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This story will not end with an "ever after". It shall end with a series of what if's; Of how much different things would have been had Lei Yi realized that the reason Shin had been going out with Margaret the week before Lei died was to get her the medicinal plants from the outskirts of Prontera after he learned it could slightly cure Lei's illness. It was too dangerous to go out without a huntress supporting him.

For if ever there was anybody around Lei who loved her more, none would have doubted for a second that it was Shin, who had always been head over heels for Lei from the moment he met her at the academy but was never brave enough to tell her so.

In truth, Shin would have gambled anything away to give Lei even a day more to see tomorrow. But fate would not have it his way. The medicine never reached Lei in time, without Shin ever getting to confess his true feelings for her - something he had planned the moment he returned from Prontera.

And though Lei knowing Shin's love for her would not have changed her fate, one could only think how much better the outcome would have been had it happened that way.

Life is like that sometimes. That is why when you have something to tell to somebody you love, never wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow is life's luxury that can as easily be taken away that it never comes, and the opportunity to change how things turn out will be lost forever.

And you must be wondering now, how I know all these things. I think I forgot one little detail to this story.

**My name is Shin Zhang Yu.**


End file.
